The Last Will and Testament of Floyd Reginald Kwarenteen

I found this while perusing files to delete from my computer. Craig wrote it for his English class this past October. (I've kept his spelling and punctuation.) In the unlikely event that he passes from our presence next week, we now have his final instructions.

I would like all of my possessions to my child, Mason, who is afflicted with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder for pancakes. However, the statue of Connor Hansen’s head, will be auctioned off and sold to the highest bidder. The proceeds will be given to Footlocker Shoe company. My other two children, Horratio and Sheila, will inherit the family business when they come of age. I trust that Saint Francis Pants will boom under their control, and yield large profits. I hope that a cure for my illness will be found very soon.

At my funeral I wish for McDonalds to cater. All the dishes and silverware must be made of platinum, in remembrance of my shining personality. Father Mackenzie, the local priest, will perform the sermon if he is still alive. Deserts can be anything you fancy, except, there must be kibbles so participants can bring their dogs. During the viewing a red carpet will guide folks to my casket. I have some… unique… designs for my coffin. The exact blueprints can be found in the wall safe in my house, behind the picture of Chuck Norris. The code on the first lock uses the following code: Mason’s birthday. The second lock is my credit card number. The final lock uses: the sum of all four of the Beatles ages, how many legs there are on 1428.63 plus .48, and the weight of an elephant in tons. Here is a list of things I would like to be buried with me

All of my Beatles CD’s
A bag of Swedish Fish
My Guitar
Zoo passes I wanted to use
A walrus tooth

As for my burial clothes, I will wear a rainbow suit with matching pants and a purple tie

My hearse should be a carriage attached to a Harley Davidson motorcycle. The driver must lead the procession aimlessly for half an hour, then make his way to the cemetery. My body must be buried at precisely 12:04 pm. Then, under no circumstances. Must I be seen again.

And now for my final wish:

Cut off all of my hair and blast it into space. Along with it will go my Epitaph

ROCK ON